| Happiness is a warm gun |
[02 Sep 2009|03:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 discontent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Aeroplanes: Black Hole |
] |
If something good doesn't happen in my life soon, I really might just lose my mind. I am so tired of the same crap repeating itself over and over that I wonder if I am just destined for failure in every aspect of my life.
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|
| Wtf |
[13 May 2009|03:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
numb |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Kate Voegele: Kindly Unspoken |
] |
I am numb.
He cheated on me in front of all of my friends last night.
I am numb.
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| Choosing stones, big enough to drag me down..... |
[11 May 2009|08:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Katy Perry: Black and Gold |
] |
I question if I made the right decision, especially since it went from 60 to zero in a matter of 24 hours. Not only am I torn, but I am numb. Today, I got out of bed with hesitance and am pushing forward, trying to sort out the mess in my head. I've walked through life concealing my cold heart, then came the Great Fire, and now it is gone, and like a scared animal, my heart recoiled into its familiar shell. I feel things so deeply, in such a visceral manner that this situation affects me wholly. And I choose to let it. This new reality feels surreal; it wounds me irrevocably.
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| Sorrow, like a ceaseless rain.... |
[04 Feb 2009|12:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ray LaMontagne: I Could Hold You In My Arms |
] |
Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide!
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go, -- so with his memory they brim!
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him!
Edna St. Vincent Millay
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| forget you not.... |
[30 Jan 2009|01:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Pat Benatar: Love is a Battlefield |
] |
All the words electrify
My dying heart
Warming the familiar darkness
That has lined my chest.
For years I couldn't place
The origin or meaning
Of your spellbinding face;
Cherubic.
Holy.
Never have I ever
Encountered such light
That occurred so infrequently;
Bless me daily.
Let me leap
And just tumble through
Thin air. Icy and uninviting,
Dissimilar to our genesis.
Hold me closer
Near enough to taste
The oceans of love.
Rediscover how to swim.
Come to the shore
Willing,
Disrobed of hesitations;
Naked.
Jump.
I will always be
Your buoy.
|
|
| 2009... joy. |
[09 Jan 2009|03:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Temple of the Dog: Say Hello 2 Heaven |
] |
Going back to school sometimes feels like a mistake; I question if pursuing medicine further is right for me, or if I am just doing it in an effort to be educated and make a better life for myself eventually.
Work is stressful and boring at the same time.
So far, 2009 haan't been any different, it's the same shit as 2008 was, and I doubt it will turn out any differently.
Tired of falling for the wrong guys. Tired of being pursued by guys I have no interest in, other than friendship. I'm over being nice because it just gets you shit on, and I'm tired of wearing the metaphorical poop all over me.
|
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| unresolved |
[29 Dec 2008|11:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
listless |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Grace Potter: Falling or Flying |
] |
Thousands of miles between us, and time constantly driving us further apart; I cannot forget you. I still smile at the sight of your face. I secretly hope for your return into my life. I know I am foolish, and that these dreams and hopes we spoke of will never occur; I cannot forget you. I dream of being in your arms and feeling the heat of your embrace; hearing your voice whisper my name;laughing under the moon; laying on the cold sand; waking up next to you; finally being your girl for good.
My disfigured heart will be yours to keep... if only you would reach out and touch it again.
|
|
| Sigh. |
[04 Sep 2008|08:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Say Hello To Heaven by Temple of the Dog |
] |
How can you lose what you never really had?
Well, you can't, but that sure doesn't make it heal any faster.
This always happens, and for once it'd be nice to see it through, and for someone to be on the same page or even in the same book.
Every slap in the face only makes me withdraw more.
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| Almost done |
[22 Apr 2007|03:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 busy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
God Forbid |
] |
I haven't posted in awhile because school has been crazy. I'm almost done, and it feels weird b/c for the last year my whole life has been wrapped up in school and school related activities. I can't wait to start seeing my friends again and spending time with them. This will all be over in 3 days after I pass these three tests. Then I have to pass the state boards but I know if I can pass this class, I can pass the state boards.
|
|
| i can feel the distance |
[29 May 2006|10:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Tori Amos: China |
] |
I'm so pissed off, I can't even scream. When I first started dating Mike I thought, "Wow, here's a guy who has a lot of things I want in a guy," but now I don't think that at all. He has totally mutated, or perhaps it was there all along just beneath the surface, and now all we do is fight. I'm sick of fighting, and sick of feeling like I'm the only one who is trying to make the relationship work. Of course I make mistakes and I'm not totally blameless, but we've never had a fight because I'M accusing him of screwing someone else because he didn't answer the phone. He's THAT suspicious and more than anything it's hurtful, he is basically saying he doesn't trust me, and therefore he doesn't really know who I am. So how can you "love" someone if you don't trust them or know who they really are?? You can't. I really think he's just afraid to let me get close to him, but this isn't the way to express that and I am so frustrated I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, can you save a sinking ship?
|
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| Any takers? |
[11 Aug 2005|11:16am] |
1. Reply with your name and I will write something random about you.
2. I will then tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I will pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you.
4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I will give you a nickname.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll then ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your journal, or else--or else I will assign homework, dammit!
|
|
| .free. |
[24 Jun 2005|10:40pm] |
The Keys to Your Heart
|
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. |
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. |
Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship. |
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
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| Interesting.... |
[30 Apr 2005|12:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
sound of sirens in the background |
] |
Your Taste in Music:
|
| 80's Rock: Highest Influence | | 90's Alternative: Highest Influence | | 90's Pop: Highest Influence | | 90's Rock: Highest Influence | | Alternative Rock: Highest Influence | | Classic Rock: Highest Influence | | Country: Highest Influence | | Progressive Rock: Highest Influence | | 80's Alternative: High Influence | | 80's Pop: High Influence | | 90's R&B: High Influence | | Old School Hip Hop: High Influence | | Punk: High Influence | | Ska: High Influence | | 80's R&B: Medium Influence | | 90's Hip Hop: Medium Influence | | Adult Alternative: Medium Influence | | Hair Bands: Medium Influence | | Heavy Metal: Medium Influence | | R&B: Medium Influence |
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| Today sucked. That is all I have to report. |
[16 Feb 2005|12:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
yeah, that one song. |
] |
~They Dont Need No Stinkin' Lights~
Dummy me
decides on going to the cinema
to perhaps catch a movie
and fill my poor brain
with something besides
that old boyfriend I still love
and the way he smells
like fabric softener
or cookies
when my hand is caught red
in the jar.
More irritating than a
sticky theatre floor,
two kids are screwing
in the seats behind my head.
Anyone can whisper 'I love you'
just to part their way
inside your panties
I know, but
I can say so many things
about them:
shameless phantoms
moving in the gentle sway
of public sex.
I check the guy's tactics. . .
carving her lips out
so the wet pounding stains
that spread where his pants open from
moving harder
with fingers embracing
the skirted ass
pushing the warm tunneling bliss
to swallow more
until the hips toss
"faster. . . faster,
mmm it's melted butter popcorn good(!)
keep going, babe,
you turn me on
so much. . ."
his eyes clenched
now burst scared
very big
like little boy
who can't move
off the train tracks
it won't stop
coming!
her chin leans close
and she gushes in time
with the mute button.
'Uggh, you both need a room!' I sulk.
Which is true,
so that way you can scream
all you desire:
for more than a year
I've been lonely.
I keep turning a jealous green
with their heavy kissing
wishing I had a lie too, at least.
Now is all you've got,
and I have no today;
not even the rush and spill
of some cheap
movie theatre fuck.
|
|
| Hot. |
[08 Jan 2005|10:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Killers: Mr Brightside |
] |
|
|
| Resolved. |
[30 Dec 2004|08:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Frou Frou: Let Go |
] |
I have one real New Year's Resolution which is not to win the lottery; uncertainty still prevails in other areas.
|
|
| A dose of holiday cheer. |
[11 Dec 2004|01:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Green Day: Boulevard of Broken Dreams |
] |
I'm ready for the new year, Santa.
|
|
| Phooey. |
[31 Aug 2004|08:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indifferent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
arch enemy |
] |
This is the first time I've updated since my car was broken into and my accident occurred. Yesterday my EMT classes began, and I was pretty excited, but that was quickly squashed once I was reminded that to be a paramedic I will also have to go through firefighter training which I have absolutely no desire to do, I just want to ride rescue, and not have to drag hoses and run up ladders and all of that, but I suppose there really is no way around it if I want to work for the lovely City of Jacksonville. They are one of the hardest to qualify for, and supposedly one of the best programs and therefore best paid. I am hoping this goes well, I need a real job, I am tired of working dead-end ones.
And I hope this hurricane does not come near us, though that really is quite wishful thinking according to the predictions, because we really don't need another hurricane not to mention the fact that it would completely destroy any plans for the weekend.
|
|
| And I'm out... |
[13 Jul 2004|08:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Tool: Eulogy/Stinkfist |
] |
Recently, someone sent me a text message asking me not to "erect those walls." At one time, that would have made an impression upon me but today is not that day. I often speak of lofty ideals in order to better one another and create a better place for each other to live in, but those ideals have since been shaken at the core and teem on the verge of dissolution. It is strange how one flagrant misdeed can regress us to the state from which we've striven so hard to emerge. My misfortunes today proved to me only more so that there is no fate, no karma, just logic and reason; I'm fucking done.
|
|
| returning thoughts..... |
[07 Jul 2004|11:03am] |
|
It's funny where you find the truth. You go far and wide, taking long pains to escape something that was either there all along or staring you right in the face and you ignored it. But, once one has found this truth, what does a person do with it? Accept it, deny it, obfuscate it, ignore it? It becomes a fragile situation.
"A heart is a fragile thing. That's why we protect them so vigorously, give them away so rarely, and why it means so much when we do. Some hearts are more fragile than others. Purer, somehow. Like crystal in a world of glass, even the way they shatter is beautiful."
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